- I have quite a lot of energy.
- I have an overly developed sense of responsibility.
- I possess an almost-hilarious five-year-old's curiosity about everything I see, touch, smell, taste, hear or in some other way perceive.
But in the last several years, either I've lost my ability to appropriately prioritize or I've lost my sense of certainty in that ability. I'm never wholly sure that what I'm doing is the very best use of my minutes. I'm never certain that I won't regret or curse the minutes I spent doing X activity or task when Y activity or task is late, missed or simply left undone.
So, that whole paragraph doesn't sound like me. At all. I read that, and I think....who is this person writing at my keyboard? I'm not terribly fond of her. Why? Because what is really missing is the truest, surest priority - that once you commit, you're in. You do the thing you are doing, and you are wholly in it, and you feel every pleasurable or painful bit of it, and then you put it in the memory pile and move on. So yes, it occurs to me that what is really changed is not so much my ability to prioritize. No, it is my ability, willingness or commitment to stay in the moment long enough to truly live it and experience it, to taste, experience and even savor every sweet, salty, peppery, bitter, putrid, awful and wondrous millisecond of it.
How this happened is pretty simply to deduce - when the ugly moments become more frequent, and the demands become more numerous, it's very tempting to hurry through them as glancingly as possible. When I close my eyes, I think of this rushing as being something like the sensation of running through the sprinkler on a hot day, not pausing long enough for the sting of the chilled water to become welcome on your skin. But that's a pretty image. It's not a pretty habit, not really. So here I am, showing you why that is a bad strategy - the habit of hurrying through difficult moments becomes a way of being, not a choice. And before you know it, as quickly as you're running through the dark moments, you're hurrying through moments of beauty, laughter, love, connection -- and leaving in your wake a life half-lived. Worse yet, those difficult and dark moments are far better than the joyous ones at reappearing insistently in front of your nose, demanding that you deal with them.
I'm not in charge of what the world throws at me, but I'm wholly in charge of how I respond, and how I spend each moment. Let's not call it a resolution, because words matter. Let's call it a commitment. To the extent that I am able, and strong enough, I'm all done with "multitasking" my moments. It doesn't work, even when it makes me feel or look superproductive. One moment, and then the next, and each one allowed to have the time and space it needs.
My intent is to wring the sweetness out of the good moments, and let the bitter and putrid ones have their due time, all of it. And not a millisecond more. Count your good moments, and be thankful for your strength in getting through the awful ones.
Best to all who happen this way ~ plk