Well now...once again weeks have passed. I'm baaaack. :)
I'm recharging this weekend, after several weeks of running about like a headless chicken. I saw my counselor (yes, I have one, and yes, I DO in fact listen to much of what he says, though I may not always agree) on Thursday, and we talked about recharging, living actively. He is tough and generous with me at the same time. Nice combo in a friend, a lover or a counselor, if you can find it.
This active living thing. He (Cameron, the counselor) is very good at reminding me which of my frustrations are appropriate and which are just a teeeensy bit whiny. He never says whiny, he says "unhelpful" - see how he knows how to get me to listen? Hmmm....Cameron's advice was to try and separate the threads of my own personal and individual life from the threads of my marital life, my work life, etc. Not cut them, but detangle them. That sounds kind of easy, doesn't it? Sure - take some "me" time, go out with the girls, etc? But it is truly not that easy. And it is even less easy when I try to imagine it - it seems harder than it is. So I find myself putting off things that would make it more effortless to keep my center, and I find myself not prioritizing soul-feeding activities, self care, and etc.
He also reminded me that sometimes our life choices are two (or more) options that we don't like - but that we still eventually have to make the choice. You can sit on a fence for a long time looking at the options, trying to play out what might happen next, and next - like chess. Unlike chess, sometimes while you wait another option shows up. But usually not. You have to choose, and move forward. Cameron's big on moving forward, choosing between unattractive options. He is blunt ("...you may have to choose between a rock hitting you on the right side of your head, or the left") and he is generous ("...I trust you to choose well, you are careful and wise."). And, maybe best of all, he doesn't rush me, which is good. Shove me, and I dig in not only my heels but my whole damned foot. Stubborn as...well, stubborn.
So. It's a new day, and day two of a three day weekend, and the last three years, or five years, or six months....they are the history part of the story, not the life part.
Life happens today. So - today I've been busy with domestica and I'm going to ride my bike, as soon as I finish my smoothie. And then I'm going to a movie with my friend who makes me laugh about our donkey burdens. And drinks wine with me until we giggle. :D And then...well we will have to see.
If you're on a fence, don't be too rough with yourself. It happens. Don't be bothered by those who can't see why you aren't yet ready to jump to one side or another. Don't judge yourself harshly unless you are avoiding the decision. If you can't decide yet with a good heart, then don't. Hang tough, and enjoy the view.
Good summer thoughts of independence!